When Bad Sex Hits the Spot

Contributed by Christopher Anderson, Lavalife

If you ask a single person what they're looking for in a partner, chances are that somewhere on their wish list would be a mention of their performance in the sack.

You could expect words such as "playful, passionate, adventurous" or "creative" to be used to describe an ideal lover, and underlying it all would be the assumption that, whatever else they may bring to the bedroom, they need to be skilled at what they do. This seems obvious: If you're looking for a lover, you want to find yourself a good one, right? Well, maybe not always and maybe not everyone. While having good sex with a good lover is undoubtedly a wonderful thing, the merits of having bad sex with a bad lover -- and, believe it or not, there are some -- shouldn't be ignored.

Breathe Easy

What's so great about lousy lovers? Well, for starters, they take the pressure off. If, for whatever reason, you're worried about how you may perform, discovering that your partner is more inexperienced than you -- or perhaps just plain clumsy -- can quickly ease your mind.

Take my friend Mary for example, a 20-something grad student and the inspiration for this article. Mary, who has had more than her share of abysmal sex partners, but who also has a fond appreciation for many of them, credits an encounter with a bad lover with helping her to get back in the saddle after breaking up with a long-term boyfriend.

"At first I was really nervous about being with another man after being with one person for so long," she says, "but as soon as I felt him fumbling around and realized that he didn't have a clue as to what he was doing, I thought, 'This is gonna be a piece of cake' -- and it was! The sex wasn't great, but it hit the spot."

Take Charge

Not only can lousy lovers ease performance pressure, but they can also be a huge ego boost: nothing can make you feel more like an expert than finding yourself intimately entwined with an anxious amateur. The sense of power that comes with this newfound confidence in your sexual skills can be a great turn-on if you allow it be.

Instead of wasting time feeling frustrated that your partner isn't up to your level, don't be afraid to take charge and point them in the right direction. By adopting this role of teacher (or, if you're up to it, master), you can add an exciting new dimension to your sex life.

Too Much Of a Bad Thing...

But be warned: It can be very addictive. My friend Mary has been in this 'phase' where she actively seeks out bad lovers for going on three years now and she shows no signs of stopping. According to her, there are two types of bad lovers: those who don't know what they're doing and know it, and those who only think they know what they're doing.

Although she claims to be attracted to both kinds, she has a soft spot for the type of bad lover who, by virtue of enjoying one too many adult films, has a skewed idea of what he needs to do to please a woman.

"I appreciate their enthusiasm," Mary says, "They usually have at least half-a-dozen different positions they want to try out all in the first minute. But, after I point out to them that the girls in those films are paid a lot of money to bend like that, they usually slow down and take a bit of instruction."

However, while chasing down and reforming bad lovers may be her favorite pastime, Mary is the first to admit that it's not the best way to establish any sort of long-term relationship. The dynamic that initially attracts her, eventually shifts. She confesses that, "After a while, they just get too good."