Stripping Advice from a Real Stripper

Contributed by Elizabeth Bromstein, Lavalife

So ladies, you want to spice up your sex life and bring a strip tease home to your partner eh? Sigh. Good for you.

Stripping and pole-dance lessons are all the rage so it's hardly surprising that the act has zoomed through the mainstream into bedroom community boudoirs. Full-on stripper studios abound in decent neighborhoods. Every hip local gym has strippercise classes. And, of course, celebrities are doing it. Teri Hatcher can't get enough of Carmen Electra's Fit to Strip workout -- apparently it's great for the abs. Kate Hudson has a pole in her house.

As one who once made a living taking my clothes off, I have to admit this bothers me a little. Maybe it's my hunch that if the majority of people taking these classes were to find out someone they were talking to was an actual peeler, their smiles would freeze and they'd say "Oh!" the way an evangelical pastor might if a fellow dinner party guest announced he was a cross-dressing Satanist. So it feels kind of hypocritical.

Still, I don't lose sleep over it because you'll never truly master the skill unless you put in eight hours a day over several years in a dark smoky nightclub working to seduce every possible man-type on the planet. And yes, all varieties of male -- smart guys, shy guys, all-business guys, funny guys and thoughtful guys -- go to strip clubs, not just stereotypical losers, drunks and frat boys.

I also think it's interesting that most of the instructors out there have never been strippers themselves. So, while I don't even know what they're teaching you -- it could be good, it could be bad, and it probably ranges -- I imagine it's the equivalent of taking acting classes from the self taught, small town guy with the naked one-man production of Hamlet the Musical. Which is actually fine, since you don't plan on becoming professionals and are only putting what you learn to personal use. But at the same time, I can't help but feel an uncontrollable surge of defensive professional pride. As in: if you're going to do it you might as well do it right.

That's why I'm willing to share some (emphasis on "some") tricks of the trade so you can put on an awesome show in the privacy of your home. No no. Don't gush. You can thank me later.

Do whatever you need to do beforehand to help you relax and feel confident

Have a drink (or five but not so many that you lose your mojo since having wild sex is usually the point of this exercise). Do yoga if that's your thing. Primp in the bathroom with the lights dimmed. Take a bath. Oil yourself up. Whatever it takes. Stripping is nerve-wracking. You're going to feel vulnerable. And stripping for someone you actually know and care about is, for many of us, infinitely harder than stripping for a stranger. If a stranger isn't blown away, then what's the big deal? You didn't necessarily want to sleep with them anyway but in this case you actually give a shit. On the plus side, strangers have a right to be unimpressed, while your partner doesn't. He should, and probably will, be thrilled and excited about the fact that you're even doing this. If he's not you might want to rethink the whole relationship.

Don't overdo the outfit

Garter belts, corsets, gloves, hats, that sort of business. Unless they genuinely know how to work it, most women piling all this stuff on wind up looking like six-year-olds who raided Hooker Mom's dress-up closet. A nice bra or a tank top with underwear is fine. Granted, if you're feeling a little awkward, accessories give you something to play with so feel free to add ONE of the above but not all. Hair is also a good accessory for hiding behind, grabbing and peeking through. High heels are fantastic -- the higher, the better. But if you don't have any, bare feet are better than making do with chunky two-inch office heels. And for god's sake leave the feather boas to the drag queens and Pussycat Dolls. Those things look ridiculous.

Pick awesome music that you LOVE

People will prattle on about what is and is not a sexy song. A popular suggestion might be something like the Divinyls' I Touch Myself, a song that, to me, is about as sexy as a Swiffer ad. But you might love it. What matters is that the music is sexy to you. Because if you know it, feel good about it, and know where the grooves, breaks and instrumental solos are, you will dance well to it. Songs that I think are sexy include: Come Together (The Aerosmith version - the lyrics are cryptic but the implication is obvious), Add it Up (Violent Femmes -- I don't know why) and Just Like Honey (The Jesus and Mary Chain). But my choices won't necessarily (probably won't) be yours. AC/DC (You Shook Me All Night Long), Prince (Erotic City) and Def Leppard (Pour Some Sugar on Me) are more obvious and usually safe options. Only you know what works for you. Just stay away from anything with overt references to famine, disease or saving the world and you'll be fine. Now dim the lights and kick it...Nah, I'm totally screwing with you. Don't kick it.

Move SLOWLY

Racing all over the place while rolling your hips, grabbing your tits and tossing your hair makes you look like a spaz. And while I'm sure you'll be a sexy spaz, you'll be even sexier if you slow down. Despite what Carmen Electra would have you believe, it isn't about getting a work-out (so don't do crunches OK?) Take four, or even eight, counts for each movement. Move on the backbeat. Take your time. And don't try to pack 50 "sexy" actions on top of each other. Toss your hair (try to use this move sparingly, preferably on musical punches). THEN grab your boobs. THEN undulate. Like good advertising, the best strippers don't clobber you over the head with the message.

Use your face

You don't have to make porno faces and you're probably better off if you don't. But be serene and confident and try not to look like you're in pain. Make eye contact with your client guy. Then drop your eyes to the floor for a second and look back at him and smile. It's one of those universal "I want you" signals.

Don't take it all off too early

One of the biggest mistakes beginners make is whipping everything off thirty seconds into the song so they wind up standing there starkers with three minutes left to go and no idea what to do. Again, the key is taking your time. Push your bra strap down and leave it there for a while. Make like you're gonna off with the underpants (but don't grab them and shimmy all over the place please. See: Move slowly) but then leave them on, or half off, for a while. Leaving stuff half on is awesome. It drives them crazy. You shouldn't be totally naked until the song is almost over. Even then you can leave something on, like your shoes.

Don't let him touch you

I come from the pre-lap dancing days, when clients who tried to touch strippers were tossed onto the street by humorless burly guys wearing enough cologne to gas a small town. And as far as I'm concerned that's the way it should be. Sure, you can let him grab you and grind on his bulge until he shoots in his pants but where exactly is the "tease" in that? Get close. Get real close, so close you can feel his breath. Move your face towards his until your lips are millimetres from touching and breathe into each other's mouths. But if he leans forward to kiss you pull away. Make him sit on his hands if you have to but DO NOT let him touch you.

Until, of course, you can't stop him anymore, which, as I said, is the point of this whole exercise. Then go to it. And be thankful you're not in a real strip club back in the good old days where that would totally be crossing the line and all the other girls would have ganged up on you for dancing like a slut.

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