Managing Differing Sex Drives

Contributed by Ambrose Diaz, Lavalife

I was watching Woody Allen's Annie Hall the other day and had a good laugh at the scene where Allen, talking to his psychiatrist, says that he and girlfriend Annie hardly ever have sex.

"Maybe three times a week," Allen's character Alvy Singer laments. We then see Annie telling her psychiatrist that they do it "constantly; I'd say three times a week."

While there definitely can be a gap in perception between what constitutes a good amount of sex, a big gap between actual sex drives can be debilitating to an otherwise healthy relationship. If one partner feels like they are 'giving in to' sex and the other feels they have to 'convince' their partner to have sex, a great deal of resentment, stress, and guilt can build up for both parties.

Communicate

I hate to get all Dr. Phil on you, but communicating with your partner is so important here. Dr. Patricia Love, co-author of Hot Monogamy, says that when the libido gap is ignored, it just gets wider. In her words, "Tiny differences get exaggerated over time... If someone consistently approaches you for sex before you experience any desire, you eventually lose your sexual appetite."

So, talk about it with each other. If you can, split the difference between what you and your partner think is a good amount of sex. Remember, sex is not a side issue. It's a cornerstone of your relationship, so you should make it a top concern. Luckily, sex therapist, Dr. Roger Libby, says "If both partners are willing to make sex a priority, then there's a pretty good shot at making that happen."

Have Sex Anyway

Think of a time when you may not have really had a burning desire to have sex, but did it anyway. The odds are that you had a good time in the end.

Dr. Rosemary Basson, sexual medicine consultant at the Vancouver General Hospital, explains that it all has to do with what gear we're starting in. Those with higher sex drives will be all revved up and starting from a higher gear. As Dr. Basson puts it, "You have to be prepared to start from neutral, at least sometimes."

As long as you get to the same place in the end, whichever gear you start in shouldn't really matter.

Redefine Sex

Sex does not have to equal penetration. If you think of it as intimacy, rather than 'the big wham bam,' you take out any issues you or your partner might have about performance, which can be a big source of sexual stress. "One of the reasons people reject sexual advances is that they don't want to be put to a test," says psychiatrist and sex therapist Dr. Frank Sommers. He goes on to say, "Take away their performance anxiety and they have less reason to avoid sex."

So, every now and then, have a sex session where all that happens is one partner getting the other partner off, orally, manually, with a sex toy, any way you want.

Masturbate

I'm always happy to suggest masturbation as a miracle cure-all... sometimes I even tell strangers on the street to do it. But you don't have to believe me, there's a real-life doctor who agrees. Dr. Michael Myers, director of the marital therapy clinic at St. Paul's Hospital in Vancouver calls masturbation "a valve that equalizes the sexual pressure between the partners."

The See-Saw of Sexual Desire

Dr. Love (what an excellent name for a sex expert!) explains that you can raise or lower your desire for sex on your own. If you already have a high sex drive, try curtailing some of your fantasizing or porn-watching. If, on the other hand, you have a lower libido, maybe you can try arousing yourself before going to bed, or try watching some porn or reading erotic materials.

Remember, it doesn't matter how often you and your partner have sex. It's all about getting your sexual desires in sync with each other.

Doctor's Orders

I want to give the last word to Dr. Roger Libby, who slaved through years of medical school just so he could remind us that sex is fun! He says, "In this culture, we tend not to give sex sufficient attention and importance... It is very common for people to put sex on the back burner, to regard it as cursory rather than one of life's great pleasures."