Booty Call Etiquette

Contributed by Ambrose Diaz, Lavalife

It's time to check your ideas of morality and emotional involvement at the door because today we're talking about a little thing called the Booty Call.

The Booty Call lives in a lovely grey area somewhere between the one-night-stand and the relationship and serves to supply consenting adults with a high-energy sexual release without the baggage and time involved in dating.

You probably won't find the term Booty Call in the dictionary... yet. But it seems like the phrase has slowly crept into the American common vernacular, so much so that there are already rules (both written and unwritten) governing how to behave.

After conducting some strenuous research on the subject, I have gone through my field-notes in an attempt to supply you with nine simple rules about the Booty Call.

1. Brunch is the Enemy of the Booty Call

This may seem a little harsh but the one and only purpose of the Booty Call is to get off. Once you're done, get up, get dressed and go home. If you're having a Booty Call because you don't want to sleep alone, you're in dangerous territory and emotional involvement is lurking somewhere around the corner. If you end up sleeping over, there's only one place for things to go and that's brunch. Brunch is the enemy of the Booty Call. You didn't make the call because you wanted to chat over a cup of coffee. Your friends can supply you with that.

2. No Timetables

So... you've called your Booty Call Cohort (BCC) every Saturday night for the past two months? Bad move! The key to successful Booty Calling is to keep things uncomplicated, relaxed and elastic. If you make the call on a schedule, things are going to get very stale very fast. And if you wanted stale sex, you would just go ahead and get married (he kids, he kids! -- Ed.)

3. No Meeting in Public

Again, this may seem a little harsh, but this rule is definitely a good one to follow. Remember this: meeting your BCC in public is called "a date". You and your BCC should only live in an erotic fantasy world that doesn't exist outside of the bedroom.

4. Look Good

Yes, the sex is almost guaranteed. No, it's not a date. But you're still going to have to make an effort to look and smell good. Make sure your Booty Calls get accepted by staying on top of your outward appearance. After all, letting things slide with the way you present yourself is for those people in long-term relationships (what a comedian...-- Ed).

5. Expect Nothing

The Booty Call should only be made (and accepted) by those who want to have sex at that moment. If your BCC stops calling you or stops accepting your calls, don't take it personally. Remember, it was never a personal relationship to begin with. It was purely sexual and had no strings attached.

6. Be Open and Honest

I know this sounds dangerously like "relationship talk" but trust me, as long as you and your BCC know where things stand right off the top, and then you won't have to deal with any real relationship talks later on. Just be tactful and make sure that you're both on the same page. Once you see you're both on the same page, feel free to have sex on it.

7. Be Safe

It's the 21st century: should I really have to go into this? Just remember to protect yourself so you can enjoy Booty Calls well into your golden years.

8. Please Please Me, Please Please You

Be a generous lover. It doesn't cost you a thing. As much as you may just want to get off, remember there is someone else involved here. If all you're thinking about is yourself, then yes you may have just screwed your BCC, but you've also probably just screwed your chances at another Booty Call down the line.

9. Timing

No calls before 9:30 pm. No calls after 1:30 am. The Booty Call is definitely not for everyone. You have to be able to draw a distinction between the emotional and the sexual. But if you do it right, the good times are guaranteed. Just remember: don't call collect.