Admitting You're into Kinky Sex

Contributed by Ambrose Diaz, Lavalife

Keeping a secret about yourself can be hard. If that secret involves a burning desire for kinky sex, the risk of embarrassment or even rejection from a partner can be terrifying.

No matter which kink you're into, telling a partner is tricky. Some kinks, like foot fetishes, leather and light bondage, though not exactly mainstream pursuits, aren't seen as completely bizarre by the general. But, if you're a Looner or a Furry (Google it... go on, I dare ya! - Ed), you might have some extra explaining to do.

As Katharine Gates, author of Deviant Desires, says "Meeting your perfect match is difficult enough for people with less complicated erotic requirements. It can be almost impossible if your erotic needs are less common."

Don't be discouraged. Keep in mind Gates is talking about a perfect match, meaning a partner that you love and who has the exact same sexual desires as you. That's a tall order no matter what kind of sex you're into.

The truth of the matter is that you don't have to find someone with the exact same desires. You just have to find someone who will accept them.

Ease Into It with Conversation

If you're worried about your partner's reaction, don't wait until you're having sex to bring up the issue. Excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, then showing up in full bondage gear might come as a bit of a shock to your lover. Bring up the idea of fetishism in general and talk about how different people get turned on by different things. Then, narrow it down to your particular fetish. Gauge your partner's reaction and progressiveness to the idea. You might be surprised how many people adopt a 'live and let live' attitude.

It's also important to give your partner a little time to get used to the idea. It's common for them to be shocked initially. Help them out by encouraging them to ask questions about the kink and giving them some literature or informational web sites on the subject.

Taking Turns with 'Gimme Days'

When it comes to having sex, try alternating 'gimme days' with your partner. That just means that one day, your partner gets whatever they ask for in the sack. The next day, it's your turn. Again, don't go all-out right away. Ask for things that hint at your fetish. As you continue doing this, you can go a little further each time.

Remember to ask your partner how they felt about it once you're done. Odds are, if you're really enjoying yourself and getting off, they're getting pleasure from seeing you have so much fun.

Do They Want To Make You Happy?

This relates to the point above. Even if your partner doesn't share in your particular kink, they might be perfectly willing to indulge you in it. Like all relationships, sexual interaction requires some give and take. Hopefully, if they see how happy you are when getting your fetish on, they'll be aroused by seeing you in the throes of erotic passion.

It's Not All About You

If your partner does get into the fetish just to please you, remember to show your gratitude. That doesn't mean just saying "thank you." That means giving them what they want too, whether it be vanilla sex or vanilla ice cream.

As author Gates says, "Perhaps finding a perfect match is less meaningful than finding someone who will love and accept you as you are, sometimes play the game you like and enjoy your pleasure in it, and also ask that you learn how to meet their needs as well. Relationships are growth experiences, not just a way to get the nooky you think you need."

What If?

I don't want to paint an overly rosy picture of what your partner's reaction to kink may be. It is entirely possible that they may either reject the idea of partaking in your fetish or, even worse, reject you as a partner altogether. The question you have to ask yourself is what's more important: having a partner who understands you, or just having a partner period. I can't answer that question for you, but the good news is that you can.

Free to Be...

It's sad to know that many people feel they have to hide their kinks away from the people in their lives. There's nothing remotely wrong about them. Dealing with them in a frank and open manner is the best way to go. Don't be afraid of who you are.