A Beginner's Guide to Viewing Porn

Contributed by Sarah Fielding, Lavalife

Getting off on images of other people having sex is nothing new. The bathhouses of the ancient Greeks and Romans were filled with frescoes of nudes in compromising positions.

Meanwhile in Asia the locals were getting busy with their own brand of pictorial porn, The Karma Sutra.

Fast forward a couple of thousand years, and we're still getting our kicks from viewing erotic images. Like to investigate the realm of adult movies but don't know where to start? Our beginner's guide is just the ticket...

Before You Start

A word of caution: pornos are notoriously cheesy. It's a fact. Bad acting, lame dialogue, cringe-worthy plots, cheap soundtrack. But hey, you're not exactly watching for the storyline are you? Keep your inner film critic in check, and focus on the task, er, at hand...

The Biggest Turn-Off

Just like being at the cinema, make sure that you turn your mobile phone off before the feature film commences. In fact, take the landline off the hook too. There's nothing like a call from your mother-in-law to deflate your hard-earned erection, or extinguish that smouldering desire. Trust me.

The Best Seat in the House

When setting up your little home theatre experience, think about moving the action to a room with a lockable door, or at the very least a door you can close. Unexpected guests, roommates, children or pets can be real passion killers.

Stock up at the Candy Bar

And I don't mean jumbo popcorn and Coke. If your choice in adult movie is any good, you're going to feel pretty frisky before too long so make sure you have your sex toys, Kleenex and lube handy before you press play. That way you'll be able to swing into action as the action on the screen heats up, and not miss a beat.

The Word on Fast-Forwarding

Pornos are rarely watched from start to finish. This being the case, it pays to have your trusty remote control to hand, so you can skip the boring bits, replay the hot bits, and press pause at will.

Things that Make You Go Mmm...

Knowing what you like and don't like sexually is a great help when it comes to choosing the right title for you. Fake boobs, real boobs, big butts, threesomes, tall, skinny, plump, hairy men, hairy women, whatever floats your boat. Similarly, keep in mind the kinds of things you definitely don't want to see to ensure you don't have a negative experience from watching the wrong kind of film for you.

What's What

There's a variety of porno genres to choose from; some of the most common include compilations (which feature hardcore scenes spliced together with no story line at all), fetish-oriented (pantyhose, feet, balloons etc), girl-on-girl action or instructional. These how-to videos can be very explicit and are a good way for the shy to introduce erotic movies (not to mention moves) into their home. Nina Hartley titles offer exceptional variety and quality in this category.

I Love Your Work!

Getting familiar with the work of a particular actor or actress, director or production company is a good way to make sure you choose suitable movies each time. Big names of the moment include actresses Jenna Jameson and Asia Carrera, as well as directors Michael Ninn, and Philip Christian.

R-Rated

Generally referred to as soft-core porn, these films are available on the adult channels of cable TV or can be rented from your local video shop. R-Rated porn often attempts to follow some kind of storyline (however peripheral) and is not supposed to show any explicit penetration or oral sex.

X-Rated

X-Rated movies, or hard-core pornos, are widely available both at the retail level and, naturally, via the Internet. Of late, many retailers are targeting female shoppers, hiring friendly and knowledgeable staff, stocking female-friendly titles (many directed by women) and generally attempting to remove the stigmatizing "ick" factor from the overall shopping experience.